Espial

It is somewhat devastating... the things you find that you are the author of. You forget about words that came from your own hands but then you find them and marvel at the feelings you once had.

...I know now that I wrote this as God was beginning to move in me.



"take a leap of faith" - March 16, 2008

Thoughts build up. I mean, think about it. You get the notion, then it swells to occurence. Before you know it, you obsess over it and it governs how you act and feel. Everyone around you becomes infected by it, and you become a carrier of the worst possible disease known to humanity - confusion. Thoughts breed confusion more than you’d think. I think my problem is that my thought process is like a locomotive headed for no tracks, and at a fast pace at that. I don’t know whether I’m characterized by the inability to stop such forseen disaster or the inability to not accept what the future holds. I make a picture in my head and center myself around it... well, thats wrong. Well, in my case right now it isn’t at all. But believe me, it has been before. I feel like I should learn from this madness but I get the notion I never will. Uh-oh, notion. You know what that means... confusion.

I’m at an indecisive point right now. I feel like I’m jumping from a low cliff to a much higher one, on that vastly overlooks any other peak I’ve witnessed in my life... but I don’t know if I can make it. Well, I can’t - on my own that is. I look up and it seems impossible to make the transition, but I have to jump. I have to take a leap of faith. Right now I’m suspended in midair. The surface I’m jumping from sickens me to be honest. Thinking before feeling - wow, that phrase has plastered itself to the inside of my conscience and it just will not lose hold. But its basically the problem that, no matter how hard I’ve tried, won’t seem to clear itself of the air.

Hate. A word that just recently made me think, and as a result has thoroughly confused me. Not knowing made me act a certain way and make certain decisions. Its like you wake up one morning and you need to know where the past few days, weeks, even months went. Who was I? Could I have changed this? Well, no, no hope to change it. But the future is that hot ball of steel that with the right tools you can turn into anything you want. From the complexity of an ornate decoration to overlook a banister, right down to the simplicity of a table you might someday use to fill some dusty space. Question is, what do you take of this ball? What does it mean to you?

I’m pretty sure I know what it means, but thats for me to know and obviously someone to one day find out. So thats the cliff I have cleared - problems. Hate, thoughts before feelings, uncertainty, confusion, the need to ask questions, maybe even adoration. But thats another story entirely. The opposing cliff that I’m jumping to promises a few things. Happiness, faith, and peace-of-mind I guess you could say. I have a vision so naturally I’m going to work around it and hopefully end up a part of it. Clarity lies there. Yeah, and plenty of it. When I make it there I’ll understand whats going on with me, as well as everything around me. Thats future Luke. Modern day Luke asks how am I supposed to get that far? Well I’m glad you talk to yourself and ask that, Luke! People around you are going to help you. Others may hinder you, but you’ve got allies in strange places that you don’t even know about. Thats a message that everyone should wrap their brain around.

But, sadly, I hang in the middle. This is where the fog of a heavy heart and weighted mind takes its greatest toll. The jump was just a catalyst and this midair reaction makes my head spin. Blah. I don’t know where I stand here. Or don't stand. Or whether or not my feet ever even left the ground. Guess thats all part of some incredible puzzle that will become apparent and slowly unfold to me. Meanwhile, I’m happy with just coasting the breeze of my life and seeing where it takes me. Reaching this high acme is going to be a challenge. But with help and time I’ve got a pretty good feeling in my gut. That warm kind of feeling that makes it worth your while to be... in the moment.

Simplicity, what an amazing word. Virtue, understanding, everything that could possibly be craved derives from simplicity. Simplicity will drive me towards the edge I’m hoping for; I WILL find it sooner than later. I’ve got some pretty incredible people around me to get me there, whether they know it or not...


Incredible.