I've Been Looking Through Keyholes.

I drive amidst the night and though the moon is covered the road is illuminated. The air glows with neon and a familiar place I thought I knew feels foreign. But I'm almost home. Seconds away. Just one more week and we celebrate. Anticipation brought us up until today and will continue to carry us for one more week and then drop the world much like a lead balloon.

Late December always filled me with such happiness, such joy and such warmth, despite the cold weather. And I'm happy - copasetic to a point - but I don't feel the same. When did innocence leave the room? Where did youthful splendor get off and leave me? Why have sparks of excitement fizzled away leaving me just a blackened stump of a fuse?

This season has a reason.

This season has a reason.

And maybe I'm left in the wake of myself because I've realized that this holiday isn't about me and isn't about getting expensive gifts or eating delicious masses of food. It has never been about me, but I always made it that way. I reflect on a year of intense change... losing dead weight, being saved, gaining an entirely new family, a new group of friends, falling in love for basically the first time, changing my perspective on life... not to mention I grew another inch. Hah. But selflessness is finally touching down at the root of me. I'm thankful, thankful for an obscene number of things. And I want to give it all back to You!

But I can't lie - I miss the feeling; making it all about me.

And I want that broken.

I want that taken and discarded.

Just Come Up for Air.

It's funny to me how I'm always starting the mindset that I'll actively publish my thoughts every couple of days but then I end up posting only a few blogs a month. Sometimes none. But December is a great month to do so because so many good things happen at the end of a year - and this year especially. Christmas break is steadily approaching and although its frightening to think of having to buy presents with my current lack of cash, I'm excited. But thats in a few weeks... as for now I have to focus on school. Ugh, school. Notably chemistry - putting a weight on my back thats been building for months and is finally starting to crack under pressure. Hopefully that stress will soon be resolved and I can breathe again. Wow, thoughts are shooting off in my head but the multitude is making it difficult to type. Other things have been going on as well - to say the least.

My hands smell like oranges.

Stupid dance. Stupid ball. A date that isn't me just isn't something I don't like you having. I'm like overly used velcro - somedays I stick but other days I won't adhere to anything. Somedays I don't care but on others every mention of this dance makes friction under my skin. It's not that I don't trust her - I trust her with my heart. But him. He can think all the things he wants. And true - they are just thoughts. But in lust, adultery has already been committed. So what am I supposed to make of this?? I can't wait to see her there. But if I see so much as one breath out of line on his part I'm going to want to snap. And when I say snap, I slightly mean explode.

Jobs. I'm searching. Failing, but searching. Application after application and never once have I been called. But I've made so many calls... its ridiculous. I'm beginning to regret ever leaving that awful restaurant. I want to buy things, not fo me, but for her. Because she deserves the treatment I don't give her in those aspects. I'm not saying I want her spoiled and that I want to blow a fortune, but she should know that she is cared for. Deeply.

Starewell is climbing [hah!] More gigs, more DJ opportunities, more money, more recognition, and finally we're recording! I just pray that none of it goes to my head or glorifies me in any way - or anyone else in the band. We have but an audience of One.




Eeverything that still swims laps around my head...
Waiting to surface, I guess.