Faith.

I hold with faith like the shape of a beautiful ring. I will always wear it on the fifth finger on my left hand. Yesterday I recieved it to protect its worth. To protect a promise. It is small and silver, but its meaning is bigger than life. It feels quite strange to have it on; to look at my hand and see it waiting there. She said it was only a transfer for the time being...

"I hold on to you - you lift me up and always will. I see you in lights, hope I don't get left behind. I hold on to you, you bring me hope - I'll see you soon... and if I don't see you, I'm afraid we've lost the way." - American Baby, Dave Matthews Band

Not in vain. An exchange bearing life, not fruitless and dry. My improvement, resulting in your benefit. My improvement, yeilding His Glory. Our journey, following His will. From here to there - no stray marks. Faith, hope, love, and the battles of trust and doubt. No giving up. Fall or fly. Let's do this thing right.

Not in vain.

If the Accident Will

Knee-deep in the distant cousin to the life I once lived; a surreal sort of mossy dream that painted itself in blues and greys across my mind as the summer began to slowly unwind. I am continually walking into my dorm room with a sort of awe and empty goodness. This is home? I drop my bag and pull out the night's reading material and start to mill through it while Matt is dealing with the latest in copyright infringement (poor guy) and only then does it completely hit me that home here is nowhere. Sidewalks are warm and friendly and the sun kisses everybody the same in the sweet breathing breezes of mid-afternoon. Time is slow through the shade, but speeding through a breaking canopy and bursting back into the sky. We are young in body, young in flesh, young at heart, but maturing. This will be the change where no one person remains the same. There is no opting out anymore; choosing the most convenient option that will never prove against the grain. Looking back has aged itself out of staying an option, even though these words may as well have been written by a pillar of salt. Grain by grain, picking myself apart well enough to dissect where I'm headed, I can see two things: the acme and the bottom. The acme and the bottom.

I will forever choose to fall skyward.

Learn to Fly.

draft

Daddy took me to the shed today. I stood up on top and stretched my cardboard wings. "If you believe it then why can't you do it?" Daddy smiles. I jump from the landing and fall through the air. Childhood is a rain of watercolor speeding around me. I land in Daddy's arms. I'm okay. But when Daddy walks away, what of my cardboard wings? What of my makeshift dreams?

Espial

It is somewhat devastating... the things you find that you are the author of. You forget about words that came from your own hands but then you find them and marvel at the feelings you once had.

...I know now that I wrote this as God was beginning to move in me.



"take a leap of faith" - March 16, 2008

Thoughts build up. I mean, think about it. You get the notion, then it swells to occurence. Before you know it, you obsess over it and it governs how you act and feel. Everyone around you becomes infected by it, and you become a carrier of the worst possible disease known to humanity - confusion. Thoughts breed confusion more than you’d think. I think my problem is that my thought process is like a locomotive headed for no tracks, and at a fast pace at that. I don’t know whether I’m characterized by the inability to stop such forseen disaster or the inability to not accept what the future holds. I make a picture in my head and center myself around it... well, thats wrong. Well, in my case right now it isn’t at all. But believe me, it has been before. I feel like I should learn from this madness but I get the notion I never will. Uh-oh, notion. You know what that means... confusion.

I’m at an indecisive point right now. I feel like I’m jumping from a low cliff to a much higher one, on that vastly overlooks any other peak I’ve witnessed in my life... but I don’t know if I can make it. Well, I can’t - on my own that is. I look up and it seems impossible to make the transition, but I have to jump. I have to take a leap of faith. Right now I’m suspended in midair. The surface I’m jumping from sickens me to be honest. Thinking before feeling - wow, that phrase has plastered itself to the inside of my conscience and it just will not lose hold. But its basically the problem that, no matter how hard I’ve tried, won’t seem to clear itself of the air.

Hate. A word that just recently made me think, and as a result has thoroughly confused me. Not knowing made me act a certain way and make certain decisions. Its like you wake up one morning and you need to know where the past few days, weeks, even months went. Who was I? Could I have changed this? Well, no, no hope to change it. But the future is that hot ball of steel that with the right tools you can turn into anything you want. From the complexity of an ornate decoration to overlook a banister, right down to the simplicity of a table you might someday use to fill some dusty space. Question is, what do you take of this ball? What does it mean to you?

I’m pretty sure I know what it means, but thats for me to know and obviously someone to one day find out. So thats the cliff I have cleared - problems. Hate, thoughts before feelings, uncertainty, confusion, the need to ask questions, maybe even adoration. But thats another story entirely. The opposing cliff that I’m jumping to promises a few things. Happiness, faith, and peace-of-mind I guess you could say. I have a vision so naturally I’m going to work around it and hopefully end up a part of it. Clarity lies there. Yeah, and plenty of it. When I make it there I’ll understand whats going on with me, as well as everything around me. Thats future Luke. Modern day Luke asks how am I supposed to get that far? Well I’m glad you talk to yourself and ask that, Luke! People around you are going to help you. Others may hinder you, but you’ve got allies in strange places that you don’t even know about. Thats a message that everyone should wrap their brain around.

But, sadly, I hang in the middle. This is where the fog of a heavy heart and weighted mind takes its greatest toll. The jump was just a catalyst and this midair reaction makes my head spin. Blah. I don’t know where I stand here. Or don't stand. Or whether or not my feet ever even left the ground. Guess thats all part of some incredible puzzle that will become apparent and slowly unfold to me. Meanwhile, I’m happy with just coasting the breeze of my life and seeing where it takes me. Reaching this high acme is going to be a challenge. But with help and time I’ve got a pretty good feeling in my gut. That warm kind of feeling that makes it worth your while to be... in the moment.

Simplicity, what an amazing word. Virtue, understanding, everything that could possibly be craved derives from simplicity. Simplicity will drive me towards the edge I’m hoping for; I WILL find it sooner than later. I’ve got some pretty incredible people around me to get me there, whether they know it or not...


Incredible.

All Around Me Are Familiar Faces, Worn Out Places, Worn Out Faces.

Monday was the last one... and now it is already over.

I swear I slept through high school, blinking and missing beats off and on and eventually keeping my eyes closed for such a fraction of the time that the memory is but a faded blur left to sit on an aging canvas in... what, the past? The past. Yesterday is gone. This is the end of simplicity as we know it. Suddenly, the coattail is dragged away and instead of a ride we must stand and walk into a future alive with excitement, love, loss, friendship, and conflict. It's a bigger future than you would think, it's bigger than you or me. All we can do for the time being is get our backs straight so we can proudly march across that stage and recieve with the left, shake with the right, blah, blah, blah, but then... take a seat. I suppose that hitting the seat will be a head-on collision with the real world; the real but so very mad world. And we all smile, and we all go home, filled with thoughts of progression and finally being able to say goodbye to that building... and to every single relationship formed over the past years of public schooling, save the few that will endure the test of time. But after all the bells have sounded and the cheers have died down, all you have left as a souvenier of yesterday is a sheet of paper, namely your high school diploma. The paper proving that the world is here... er, was here... is still here but is revolving just as quickly as it was before. The rotations will stop for no one. Frightening, but also promising. Promising above all else.

"Take heart, for I have overcome the world." [John 16:33]

If there is one thing to cling to and take shelter with, then it is the Word of God. Hallelujah.

But now we're off and running - here we go! Take a good look around, take a good look around...

I'm finished with high school [I'm laughing to myself]... this is something else. Something else entirely.

I recorded the last bell, too. The last bell I will ever hear. I say this probably out of sentimental values, but it was easily the longest bell I have ever heard. It seemed to go on just long enough for me to say, "I'll miss that note." It was a B, but I only know that because Rushton told me junior year. So many memories in those hallways... in the past four years I have been so many different people in those hallways. [not a typo]

Keep a foot in the past, but look to the past and the boy is gone. Gone and now knee deep in the promises of what is next. I'll fight the break of dawn come tomorrow, but tomorrow I'll be gone. Yeah, gone again. Take a good look around, because things will only get better from here. The past twelve years now part ways,

farewell.

Brother Versus Brother

draft

I can tell by the color in your once docile eyes that everything is not alright. I'm running left and right, clicking back and forth to keep the tempo running like a metronome, but there is discord. The balancing act is never easy and becomes noticably more difficult when the opposing forces at work are the two you fall to the most... and suddenly turning to the voice of reason is turning me against my own family. There is anger, resentment, and someone got hurt. Face facts. Someone got hurt, even if you can prance ignorance to it all day long. Get this, he said: "Obviously this is hurting more than the friendship." WHAT?! When was the friendship ever even in jeopardy? Oh man... termites have been chewing for a while now. They have been eating away and I wasn't even clued in. The celebration is on pause and right now there is a tension under the surface that will blow over, but it will make its return on the wind soon enough. I have made my decision, but I refuse to choose sides. I refuse to let a temporary ebb of the tide fabricate a void in us. We are brothers under one loving Father, and Dad denounces pride. I'd ask you to swallow your pride but I won't in fear that one of you would smother yourself completely. The constant changing of the personal pedestal will never put you both at eye level, so get off. Step down and see this to its end like the real man would. I'll be here; I'm as much a part of this as either of you will allow me to be.



Let's meet at sea and let's meet there around mid-morning. The salt can wash it all away.

You Are Too.

draft

[Revelation 21:5 - And He who sat upon the throne said, "Behold! I make all things new."]



I will wait for the falling away. Patiently, I will wait for you to get them alone.



And speak a storm unto thier flames.

Restringing Life.

Wow. I really dislike my acoustic guitar. It is a rather cheap piece of wood and the intonation is out, and it has a few good notches in it from the careless bustling about it does in the back seat of my car. The sound is decent at best, but the lack of a solid top gives the resonance away before it has time to build and project like the ideal acoustic sound would. Possibly the worst thing about it is how that B string goes out if it is strummed with any more than the force of a passing breath. The constant tuning becomes a hassle. The pickguard is peeling off... plus I continuously drop my pick in the sound hole and have to fish around for it, shaking the whole guitar violently. This thing doesn't even have an input jack or, for that matter, a cutaway, giving me no access to the upper frets. My eyes wander every now and then and see the beautifully crafted guitars of those around me; each is unique and seems to always stay equipped with a fresh set of lights, is preset for the prefect tone, boasts solid sides for the most incredible acoustic noise you could get from a guitar, and is polished to look brand new. Focus back to my piece of junk. The transition isn't pretty. Focus back on the others.

Then there are times when it shines. Outfit my useless slab of rosewood with a fresh set of strings and something changes. Get it tuned and take that first strum and you know what I'm talking about. Hear those new phosphor bronze strings echo in that body and put out a sound of shimmer and warmth and you'll get it. It lets me fall in love with this silly little guitar time and time again. The intonation magically rises from the grave and each of the six strings stays in tune, even when played with the most cascading of emotions. Suddenly I find myself polishing the strings more often and taking a little more care of the body. Other guitars lose their appeal as mine seems to suit me just fine. It doesn't need the bells and whistles to make it sing. And yeah, the strings will wear and rust. Eventually it will be time to restring my guitar yet again. But until then, the sound is all too enjoyable. The tone is all too clear. But until then, until then...

Wow. I really dislike my acoustic guitar... then there are times when it shines. It took a change on all six strings to realize what I was missing. It took a complete breakdown and then a complete restoration. And MAN, does this thing sound incredible.

It's all in the perspective.

In the Wake of Saturday.

It's quite late tonight. And, as predicted, I'm suffering in your absence. Eh, suffering may be a bit extreme of a term, but you know what? What you give off is a bit extreme of an emotion. And hey, I'm not afraid of taking this anywhere but up, because you don't deserve so much as even one degree off. You deserve more, so I'll be more; I'll be who He wants me to be. But if the floor tilts, run. I won't live up to what some are saying I'll be to you. I just won't do it. I care, I care, I care about you [!], and it is like you're an undiscovered part of myself that has just been itching to appear. And here you are and here is your heart and it's the mostbeautifulthingIhaveeverseenokayneedtobreathe. Inhale. You are too much and you are undefined and you are something so incredibly rare. Some find that my world wasn't prepared for. But the surprise is incredible. Happiness doesn't define you, yet you define such happiness. My words are honest and true to you, because it's what you deserve. If I had doubt, there would be an enemy all up inside my open wounds trying to split me open and ruin this mural that we've been fingerpainting in the light of the daybreak.

And we've got a looong ways til sunset,

but even when it sets it will rise again.

Mmm, I can see this by the color in your eyes,

it's alright.

Hayley

draft

There you were, in the front yard, waving one last goodbye to yesterday. Yeah, I could see you... but you were never really there at all. I called you 'Bright Eyes', reflecting back a past of broken glass. I'd take you in, breathe you in, lost in a cheap high, achieved and gone.

draft

Are you as inspired

by the rain as I am?

Do you feel it pour

right through your hands?



And do you feel a chill in here?

'Cause I am incubated by your smile...

and your shade of blue

reflecting back at me, back at me.



Are you as inspired

by the calm as I am?

All the world revolves

and people spin in their minds.



And do you see the sun in here?

'Cause flowers lean towards your eyes...

Overcast this last

note to you.

Chord to you.

Don't Let Me Go

Consumed by full intention of starting with a blank page and ending with a poised arrow for your emotion, I now turn away. The muscle returns to a resting position while the heart keeps beating and the pulse lowers to a number that I can sensibly tolerate. I have been given my options. I have been measured, I have been weighed, and I have been left wanting. So Father, give to me what You so eagerly seek to give me. Sow in me what cannot be reaped by the world. Give me Your heart and Your love that so filled the cup of Your Son who pitted himself against the earth to white a canvas spattered black, much like my own. What I'll give back is variable, but I can try my hardest to assure You that I will utilize the life to please You, Dad. Show me that I have never once been wronged - but instead I have been blessed and tested. And to the elements of the life You have blessed me with, I love them all. Accepting the good and bad, for without any of either I would not stand and feel the same as I do now. I bask in Your blessings but if they will prove to be trials then groom me for the moment where I am called to fight. I want to accept in times of happiness and deal in times of sorrow. But never vice-versa. Let me lead this divine pairing of Your children, be with me when I lead it away from anger and be with me when I walk with it into the flames. Let us remain untouched and free of burns. Let me fly above the clouds with it when pushed from an edge and let me embrace it as we near the Son. Let me take responsibility and do this thing right... for Your Glory, Father. For Your Glory.

And for it to be such, remove what is dead weight. It can fall away while the new skin remains to stay. May the love be built.

Acronyms

draft

Prancing ignorance,

Tactical innocence.

Faultering.

Unwaivering lies.


Prancing ignorance,

Tactical innocence.

Faultering.

Unwaivering lies.



Trifle, hinder, enrage,

L'est everyone enjoy certain happiness.

Is such

happiness excluding recent exchange?


Welcome embrace,

willing inner living lamp.

Beaming euphoria.

Find it new, everyday.

Dreams that Shake a Foundation.

Picture the scene, black and white. Completely monochrome. And I mean that so seriously; the world is like a thick, inked outline with pencil scribbles filling the faces of people with shades of gray. I'm sitting at a table with the girl. She is completely shadowed. I don't know who she is and her voice is disguised. I ask,

"Where are we?"

She responds,

"Quick, lets go!"

So the panorama changes and we are surrounded by a mass of people. Heads moving and bobbing for what seems to be miles. Still, the view is black and its white. I'm somewhat lost, the only familiar figure is this girl. She is difficult to see through all of the people, but I manage to keep her in eyeshot. I'm constantly grabbing at her hand and we pull towards each other. I get close to her and I shout against the crowd,

"Where are we going?"

She responds,

"Home."

Third scene. Final scene. I'm laying on a flat table that is so very uncomfortable. I look around and can't begin to imagine what is going on. So I breathe. I feel the air in my lungs and exhale. "I'm alive", I keep thinking, "I'm so very alive." A light brings a dim glow to the table. I turn on my left side and see a shadow, curled into a ball on her left side, facing away from me. The shadow is the girl. And she is crying. She is crying her heart out on this table with me in this faint light... and I know her. I feel like I know her so well. I position my arm under her and take her hip in my right hand to turn her towards me.

As my hand falls on her, the faint light becomes faint yellow. I realize color is returning and it is bleeding through the moments. The room turns warm and fills with a newfound life. I turn her over and face her. Her face comes so close to mine and she looks at me with a question in her eyes and a wave on her lip. We are paused, a moment in time, totally transfixed on one another. Her tears cease and I notice myself reflected in a pair of steely blue oceans staring back at me. She smiles. Our faces stay close, so close. And our smiles... they touch. I wake up moments later.

I do know her, and in no way had I expected to find this face at the root of my sleeping mind. I was surprised at the eyes that lit up my night when, in that brief moment, I had them. And today, I had them. In my own. But I'm starting to not make sense, so this is where it draws to a close. A dream that spoke to me through emotions I don't feel on a regular basis. A feeling of resolve and the actual feeling of color; the fufillment of doing what seems inevitably right. She seemed inevitably right. And its... scary.

Oh,

and I awoke in happiness.

draft

Now teeth are growing in if only to prove


I had to chew through my chest


to get this far from you.




While all I have is this moment


and all I have is this moment alone


I hold on to my promise,


and take breath as my own.





Still, I'll never give up on you.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.

Come face to face with anything that binds you to a decision. It tests your mettle as who you are and how you take pain. Everyone knows me. Everyone knows the living doormat. I stand six foot six inches small and I allow the masses to wipe their feet on me at no charge. And I don't argue! God has given me this gift because it is going to make a difference in me that others will not have. But how can I cope when every single night that I lie awake in bed and I cry because I know that I will end up hurting someone. Every outcome destroys someone different. It picks them apart and leaves them in God's hand, where they will be ultimately the most comfortable. This is what my obendience costs me. I'm not comforted when I see the face that comes to mind when I say that... Ugh, partial insomnia and full on hysteria. My eyes have been bloodshot since I got in my car and rammed my head to the wheel, hoping for an answer to magically blare from the stereo. The answer never came but the day continues and the hurt... it grows. I can't do this. Stop this train! I can't deal with this. I'm an emotional tangle, an ugly emotional tangle, and I enter the room with ease to put on the false atmosphere of a sound mind. My head is spinning somewhere at six hundred thousand revolutions per minute right now. And I know what has to happen to be happy - I have to make the right decision. Give the decision to the doormat, and what will it do? Lay down and wait to be walked on again. What else does it know? I need some sense of security. I need a stable sense of mind, otherwise I don't think I'll be able to function just the way I should. I need Your will laid before me so that I may follow it exactly as it is drawn out. You know. I don't know if i can stomach this fear of hurting soemone any longer. I'll stop speaking in circles - I can't. Help.

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to,
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down, and you can see it too.
We're going down, and you know that we're doomed.
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be mean because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down, and you can see it too.
We're going down, and you know that we're doomed.
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?


-John Mayer seems to know how my heart is thinking. Mostly.