I've Been Looking Through Keyholes.

I drive amidst the night and though the moon is covered the road is illuminated. The air glows with neon and a familiar place I thought I knew feels foreign. But I'm almost home. Seconds away. Just one more week and we celebrate. Anticipation brought us up until today and will continue to carry us for one more week and then drop the world much like a lead balloon.

Late December always filled me with such happiness, such joy and such warmth, despite the cold weather. And I'm happy - copasetic to a point - but I don't feel the same. When did innocence leave the room? Where did youthful splendor get off and leave me? Why have sparks of excitement fizzled away leaving me just a blackened stump of a fuse?

This season has a reason.

This season has a reason.

And maybe I'm left in the wake of myself because I've realized that this holiday isn't about me and isn't about getting expensive gifts or eating delicious masses of food. It has never been about me, but I always made it that way. I reflect on a year of intense change... losing dead weight, being saved, gaining an entirely new family, a new group of friends, falling in love for basically the first time, changing my perspective on life... not to mention I grew another inch. Hah. But selflessness is finally touching down at the root of me. I'm thankful, thankful for an obscene number of things. And I want to give it all back to You!

But I can't lie - I miss the feeling; making it all about me.

And I want that broken.

I want that taken and discarded.

Just Come Up for Air.

It's funny to me how I'm always starting the mindset that I'll actively publish my thoughts every couple of days but then I end up posting only a few blogs a month. Sometimes none. But December is a great month to do so because so many good things happen at the end of a year - and this year especially. Christmas break is steadily approaching and although its frightening to think of having to buy presents with my current lack of cash, I'm excited. But thats in a few weeks... as for now I have to focus on school. Ugh, school. Notably chemistry - putting a weight on my back thats been building for months and is finally starting to crack under pressure. Hopefully that stress will soon be resolved and I can breathe again. Wow, thoughts are shooting off in my head but the multitude is making it difficult to type. Other things have been going on as well - to say the least.

My hands smell like oranges.

Stupid dance. Stupid ball. A date that isn't me just isn't something I don't like you having. I'm like overly used velcro - somedays I stick but other days I won't adhere to anything. Somedays I don't care but on others every mention of this dance makes friction under my skin. It's not that I don't trust her - I trust her with my heart. But him. He can think all the things he wants. And true - they are just thoughts. But in lust, adultery has already been committed. So what am I supposed to make of this?? I can't wait to see her there. But if I see so much as one breath out of line on his part I'm going to want to snap. And when I say snap, I slightly mean explode.

Jobs. I'm searching. Failing, but searching. Application after application and never once have I been called. But I've made so many calls... its ridiculous. I'm beginning to regret ever leaving that awful restaurant. I want to buy things, not fo me, but for her. Because she deserves the treatment I don't give her in those aspects. I'm not saying I want her spoiled and that I want to blow a fortune, but she should know that she is cared for. Deeply.

Starewell is climbing [hah!] More gigs, more DJ opportunities, more money, more recognition, and finally we're recording! I just pray that none of it goes to my head or glorifies me in any way - or anyone else in the band. We have but an audience of One.




Eeverything that still swims laps around my head...
Waiting to surface, I guess.

Concave Down

Jealousy. Anger. Slight anger. Resentment. Disappointment. A misunderstanding. A let down. A welling that leads to a falling. Having the floor swept out from beneath you. Concave down. A strangely bitter sick feeling in my lower stomach. The breakdown of a build-up. The catch to anticipation. More slight anger. And loads more jealousy.

Wow, I said that it was okay. That I was fine and didn't care. But whoever said that was a mask; a charade to distract one from the inner tantrum. I don't like feeling like this... get over it, Luke. Maybe next time, alright? Maybe next time.

Opportunity vanished,
so this sets in.

Your Son would have never acted like this.

A Build-Up in the Breakdown

Hey there.
Its me again.

Is it sad? Sad that I only drag myself to You when I mess up? Though that seems frequent I know that it can never be enough. But here I go again, and I'm just chasing You down again. And chasing skin again. And hitting a brick wall at some hundred miles an hour, coasting on nothing but a mundane and morally undefined wind tunnel justly titled the world. I'm slowly approaching speeds I just canNOT cope with. You know whats going on and you know how my mind is meandering. You try so deperately to show me how and I say "no". I try to cup my problems in my hands and hover over them everytime Your eye sweeps by. And by not keeping this cycle an honest one, or at least an open one, I kill myself inside. Scar tissue gets so weak that little nicks that would formerly unaffect me now cut me the deepest. Do you see? Do You see? What I'm holding is a torrent of knives. So for now, I'll run. Waging everything I've had. Staking all the heart I've shown. Father, annoint my indescion. Can you break lines between eyes and minds? If I'm going to act 'in human nature', can it not be in Your son's? For He was human also! I can take heart, for He overcame the world. But I'm letting the heart seem so insignificant, when in reality it is what I value the absolute most! There was a layer between and I tore it away for my own earthly crave, and I cry out for You to rebuild layers thicker and harder to peel than ever. I thank You so incredibly much for this terrible thorn in my side that jostles every time I consider that beaten freeway. In my rush to be seated, You kept me on my feet and standing and proving that You wouldn't give up so easily.

I have recieved this gift with eyes that pull flowers just like the sun. With a persona resembling thousands of reflected, colored lights. With a smile that radiates to steal glory from the sky. With a soft heart that is so difficult to not absolutely fall for. With a grace that, bar none, becomes the most beautiful thing I have ever seen every time my sight meets it. With a love that grows, endures, satisfies, fills, resonates... yeah, what a gift...

...but then I do things like this,

proving that I am as unworthy to hold the gift

as any of the gifted before me.

I don't want to cut the string. I don't need to untie the ribbon. This box is so perfect to me just the way it is. Crafted so beautifully, as if it were taylored to my liking. But it may not be, as much as I will hate to admit it. So I leave this intact, and above all, I cherish this present as if to never be brushed by a faulty touch. I'm working on this. I am working on this. I'm aimlessly missing and failing while you have had all of this time to prepare. Forgive my indecision, I am only a man. I don't want to be swept away into an ocean of 'the same mistakes'. To be honest, I want to be that island amidst the ocean where you find the rest of your life. But I have to let Love in before I can promise you much more than I already have. But I am so scared of being another that I start to fit that mold. That limit where a man either is buried or can take up his own and make a difference... and I want to be that difference. So badly. And if Jesus doesn't dance on my breath, how can I expect to be ANY different? I'm not losing you... I'm too blessed to faulter now. Just too lucky to consider throwing beautiful things away...

Lets dismantle this and let the heart piece it back together.

Incomplete Segment

draft

A stream of conciousness will not do because I'm all too unconcious and distant from You.

You Can't Stop the Ocean
You can't stop the ocean
You're better off chaisng wind
Can't stop the ocean

You can't stop emotion
You might as well give up now:
Share your emotions.

You can't save the world-
You might as well change the past.
Can't save the world.

You can't have everything.
You might as well envy God.
Can't have everything.

You can't live forever
You might as well face that now
You won't live forever.

You're not a stranger
He knit you together and knows your heart
You are no stranger.

We have limitations,
if you buck up and take it now,
you'll dodge the ocean.

You can't stop the ocean
You might as well chase the wind.
Can't stop the ocean.

Fleeting Image

Far too stressed by your own creation

to be my creation

You're too preoccupied by your own reflection

to be my reflection.

Hate finds you wicked

and turns you a victim

to numbers and others alike.

Reaching for a fleeting image

Hurting for a dying cause

Cry out, just sight loud.

You'll get what you ask for.

Now alter the fears that drive the tears.

Lets just hope that you can keep the truth down.

[Awaken]

Can't you see that I had a plan for you,

A book for you?

Now run to me, run to me.

Don't curve your eyes. Run to me!

Such disposition

to what has been given.

This vision should change one last time.

Reaching for a fleeting image

Hurting for a dying cause.

Cry out, just sight loud.

You'll get what you ask for.

Now alter the fears that drive the tears, that drive...

He bled so you could handle this,

but that you don't just kills me.

[Are you there? Is all of you there?]

I've seen it: we're all faulter prone,

but He died so we could change that.

[Are you there? Is all of you there?]

Reaching for a fleeting image.

Hurting for a dying cause.

Cry out, just sigh loud.

You'll get what you ask for!

Now alter the fears that drive the tears, that drive...

Lets just hope that you can keep the truth

[keep the truth]

down.

He bled so you could handle this,

and that you don't just kills me.

I've seen it: we're all faulter prone.

Awake in you.

Beacon

If its off the beaten path, so be it.

I'd walk through fire just to see Your face.

And if I can't see where I'm going...

I'll keep on walking now, I'll keep my faith.

I'll make Disciples for You.

I'll carry my cross, and hang on it too.

I'll burn for You.

I'll die to myself!

You won't need me in the way,

but in Your Will.

Remove my face and replace it

with Your Grace.

If its off the beaten path... so be it!

I'd walk through fire just to see Your face.

If yesterday is gone, then tomorrow

is sure to shine with guiding lights.

[You know] I'll make Disciples for You

I'll carry my cross, and hang on it too.

I'll burn for You

I'll die to myself!

You won't need me in the way,

but in Your Will.

Remove my face and replace it

with Your Grace

Take me from the path

that leads to 'normalcy'.

Yeah...

Take me from the path

that leads to 'normalcy'.

I'll make Disciples for You.

See holes in my hands and burdens sent through

I'll burn for You.

I'll die to myself - You don''t need me in the way,

but in Your Will...

Remove my face and replace it with Your...

Remove my face and replace it with Your...

Remove my face and replace it with Your

Grace.

Resolve

Shadows set the mood

Innocence left the room...

and all I know to do is shed a tear for you.

Please don't be ashamed whether you win or lose,

I just want you to know that I'm proud of you.

Don't be afraid when your fight is through,

I just need you to know that I'm here with you.

I can't watch you choose

to pour salt in your wounds,

now all I know to do is say a prayer for you

Please don't be ashamed whether you win or lose,

I just want you to know that I'm proud of you!

Don't be afraid when your fight is through,
I just need you to know that I'm here with you!

--10 Years, "Proud Of You"

This isn't just happiness, or excitement, or resolved anticipation. No, this is so much greater. This is a revelation all its own. Can words describe? If they can then I don't want to hear them, because they cannot compare - for this is God. Will the turning of one single gear ignite the spark of a life-sized mechanism? Has the broken bone healed so that the crutch may be tossed aside for good?

God only knows!

[L]et [O]ut [V]ines [E]ntangling.

I wonder, is this it? Are the depths of my soul truly calling out or am I far more shallow than I percieve? Are your words more truthful than my mentality? Is ignorance bliss? Does ignorance even play a part of this? Was my past experience not tough enough to use as a guideline? Is this how it feels? Is this how it feels for me to willingly embrace your faults and love them all the same? Is this how it feels to have an ochestraic type of confidence harmonize with my every word as I speak it from the entirety of my heart? Is this how it feels to be emotional with every fiber of my being? Is this what they try so hard to explain but can never quite right? Is this what we long to feel by the end of our breath called life? Am I feeling it? Is this me realizing that you wear your canyoning sides beautifully? Is this me saying that what you put into me is a nearly unrivaled warmth? Is this a reminder that everything will be fine? Is this selflessness?

Please.
Please believe me.

Sad Happy.

So...
Come.
Come sit with me, my fickle friend.
Upholding this promise unto the end.
Words, words, words... you know what they do.
Hollow me out as my insides go blue.
No new skin breathes as this scab lives,
and a scar will take as the vessel gives.
Leeching from veins that are tied to the heart.
You are the bullseye and my desire a dart.

Chances slim,

situation dire.

The silence will sit,

with twin iris on fire.

Bruising black,

beaten not broken.

Just take my hand,

hearing words unspoken.

Rubbing raw my own wounds,

I ask you to not wear them.

But will shed tears upon yours,

as if salt will repair them.

I may be slipping, or I may have lost.

But I would save your skin at any cost.

What do you pray when every heartfelt sentiment you scream in your head goes unacted upon? I don't blame You, I am in love with You, and I know how real Your prescence and Your grace is, but why is it that the words I find myself repeating so often and with such a welling in my eyes fall from my lips, shattering as they hit the ground? No worries, You hear them. Do You? Do You hear my silent facade? The answer must sit on the horizon. It must sit, suspended upon the nature of the wind, carried freely away from my hands moments before I can wrap around it. I will not be decieved. I will not be provoked. I will not play the blaming game. In due time I suppose, an element not worth fighting. Hush the storm, bring the cloud from her mind and the rain from her home. For in spite of her will, she is not ill. She is shining. Wake her in the dead of night and remind her that she is beautiful. Under the skin lies a story that deserves a happy ending, so may this be the climax - the true turning point. Shed brilliance, for I haven't the light to see the road ahead. But just enough to see her. And there's bright enough.

12:00 AM

Cleaning is somewhat fun.
I laughed when I found this.
Or at least smiled.

Its dated 4/18 [2008]

"Thinking before feeling-
that's the truth with which I'm dealing.
Would I come on too strong or not enough?
Would I laugh to mask living in your eyes?
But conciousness is gone
and darkness falls upon
clarity I thought was right here.

Casting out and reeling-
thats the chance that I've been dealing
Would you smile just because you care?
Or would your heart take shelter there?
Emotion has a song
and you've played it all along
this winding road of change.

And in rain or shine,
I'll wait for you.
If you're his or mine,
I'll wait."

One of those times where the reality of the situation is a one-armed scissor.

Seeing you faintly before you fade again,
Repeat when the armor is down and off.
Who knew exposed and underneath
the belly was weak and soft?
Judging by the rain and how it wears away,
I'd hit the reset, but this is no game.
The truth; it plagues me day by night.
My foundation starts to sway.

Enter unmerciful,
one-armed scissor.
Your cuts are not clean,
they are jagged and mean.

Your cuts are not clean but are jagged and mean,
Enter unmerciful one armed scissor.
Like veins that nearly burst with crave,
Fault lines fuse and will fissure.

Welcome Home.

Daybreak. A burst with which I can relate. Morning's true colors filling the Earth from a palette where His blood sits. To see the sky is to become guilty of witnessing His grace paint your moments as you stand before a question. Yes, a question. What of me now? These four words I whisper towards my ceiling every night before closing my eyes and drifting off again. What of me now, my Lord, my Savior and Sustainer? I remember writing a song once asking God if life would be better blind; blind to temptation and colorblind from the redness of sin. The next morning I awoke to my bedroom filled with warmth and light, and outside was a visage of lush greens and blues like that from a postcard. Clarity fell upon knowing that we have to see sin so that we may render it useless to our breath and prepare ourselves for His use. Would you ever use a cracked, chipped, severely withered brick as part of a house's foundation? Would He use our tainted spirits to advance His kingdom? No, but He would call those same spirits home. What of me now, God? How I long to be moved by You in Your name and in Your progression. How I long for Your words and passion to burn through me and signal to those who stray from the path. How I long to have sin feel uncomfortable around me. I'm willing. So willing to die to myself. This life is but a breath in eternity - and up until now I have been welling off of my lungs. Severing so many attempts to ignite. Feeding a wound over my heart and my faith. God, I have been running from you. What if I still am? What if I am still running? Bring me back to this, as if I were with You all along. I'm sorry and You have forgiven me before the prayer ever left my lips, or enetered my mind for that matter. You forgave me before I was even born. And as I wronged so many rights in life's womb and made a mockery of this flesh, I drove the nails. I maimed You upon the cross. My intentions were no different than a murderer's. But You withstood my feeble beating until my hands became bloodied and violet. Until tears were shed upon those hands as I looked to who I so flagrantly punished. All You wanted was the best of me, but I gave You my worst, dirtiest, and ugliest. And as I looked to You with swollen eyes and clinched fists of remorse, I dropped to my knees. You smiled and spoke one word.

"Finally."

What of me now. Tomorrow can never again scare me for I am not bound to this Earth. I am bound to Christ. Its in the blood. Its in the air. Its just outside your window pane. The steam proves the heat. The echo proves the sound. Creation proves the creator. 'Cataracts in the eyes of faith' - pretty accurately describes who I was and never will be again. He wants me awake for this. I want to prove that this life is for Him. I want to fight to prove I'm right. To go and make Disciples. Honor in my step, in my tongue, and my acts. Hold me accountable, whoever you are. Its time to wake up.




So upon waking up - good morning to You, my Daylight :]

The Nemesis is Amphibious.

Surrounded by an ocean, broad with problems and filled with creatures of panic and born from breached insecurities. Salt enters the wound with a burn and as I try to make a sound I merely see my own breath. No ships approach. The shore is far out of view and I can only plead silence as I bide my time upon kicking away my last few breaths to stay afloat. Swamped. Suffocated by stresses entering like pills, but detested like poison. So which is it? Do problems break me to remind me I am alive or are they trying to settle me into a shallow grave? Buoyancy is simple until you sink so slightly beneath the line. You take on water faster than you would ever believe, and sooner than later feelings leave your fingertips. The blue will take me over and choke me with the very fabric that I wove as I carried a string from my pocket all along, wandering a twisted and beaten path until the whole sought to cover me. Dragged under, sent below, dropped down, hurt... A deafening crash of waves holding me amidst prehistoric vice and calling me back to sea.

You know, this seems oddly depressing.
However, it really doesnt have to be.
Because I don't tread the ocean water...
I stand on dry land.

I see things waking offshore, but I remain centered in the calm before the storm. I stopped running from the tide so long ago because in the end, all meaning is lost. We all return to the water's edge eventually. Every human hears that side calling and drags themself so miserably back. But wether or not we dip our feet or saturate ourselves in that liquid enemy remains our choice. Grace has been saved. I can sigh with relief because I find the strength by taking His hand to remain grounded. He gives me friends and family to depend on, and they show me that I can finally focus beyond the man who promises safer waters. Looking closer, he rolls those eyes. Never once did the Savior hint at doubt. No safer sea exists. Enemies make no sense. They only make shame and foolish covers to the shame. Don't drink that water. Embibe what you were meant to fill yourself with all along and turn to the cup He is offering you.

If you're ever too weak to move,
maybe you need reminding that you are His creation.
Above you and I, between His and ours,
a mirror allowing His reflection.

A bright reflection in all of us, against the black water's surface.

Emotion on the Rise.

You can't refuse truth. Or, at least, I couldn't. The truth pours forth out of me as freely as it comes to mind. Never before did your reaction to the truth affect how I handled it. This, however, is so different. Holding these words has begun to diminish outer thought. It limits what I can breathe in. It incubates a shy nervousness that sleeps so deeply within me that I forgot it even existed. But to feel it beneath my skin is so reassuring. Refreshing. Emotion on the rise. I interrogate this emotion so thoroughly that it begins to swell and bruise. But it came so quick. I know now that it was effortless, so effortless to feel this way about you. Something of your essence completes a piece of the mural with vibrant color. I wanted to make sure that the notion wasn't where the answer was held. All along I knew that it had long before evolved through notion and into occurrence. You are wanted, and you are beautiful. Our lips - they brush having our innards just blended, and the touch becomes so powerfully chemical and compelling. What I love about you has always remained the same. Do you know what you do to me? You make me smile. Not only that, you affix a smile to every part of me.

I was afraid of being the one-sided. You told me not to worry. I questioned, but you answered. And now I can't get you out of my head. I guess it was written nearly two years ago - you're supposed to be there. I love you.

Good Riddance.

I milked the other side for all it was worth. he told me it was okay, but He told me otherwise. I listened to the voice that was loud, abrasive, and persuading. Had I known that He would complete me, and annoint me in the ways He has until this day, then that loud voice would have easily been forgotten. However... that voice became my voice of reason. And for that, I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

I stand here alone and I can see the bottom... the bottom of this forsaken pit. I grow closer to solid ground and the temperature drops sharply to a bitter five below. Cold sweats and blue fire will encase the rebirthing. you. you put me here. you don't act in my favor. you give me nothing. you tear me away from my reality. I find the satisfaction you were meant to promise in criticizing those who follow you so closely. I can't wait to see one of them lose touch with you and watch the whole train spiral out of control. The fall will be so filling. I can taste the confusion that they will face, for I too have sipped from this cup of false conviction. When they sever from your grip, I will be so quick to offer them what I have found elsewhere. The sheer purity that I have found will blind and sicken them, so they may be quick to detest the use of it as a stem pack to reawaken what went dormant before the essence of thrill was blown fervently in their direction. you have nothing. you are a leech on the belly of something so much greater. The blood is perfect but you continue to taint it with your unwanted penetration of the skin. Go back to that endless abyss and be taken away by the gross osmosis that brought you into the people that I love. So often did I dance with you in the past for you were so tempting. I looked you in the eye and felt to high. So incredibly high. High on sin. Who were you to blacken me? Laugh now, for you are the joke. your sycophants, your right hands, your bravado and your cronies... they will all fall away as I did. They will realize that HE offers the blessings that you will never fathom. Never... never again will you get the best of me. The one you tapped so deeply into, he died. He is long gone. But I don't mourn his loss. He evolved beyond your expectations and will one day rise and be welcomed home. He will be questioned for giving in to you, but forgiven nonetheless.

you don't deserve this much credit. you never will.
Active transport of hate and love will leave you shriveled.
Shriveled, cold, left behind; what you have written for yourself.

you wouldn't change.
you wouldn't loosen.

So I detached from you.

Bring Me Back To This.

Behind clear eyes. Under soft touch.
That amazing smile,
what does it house?

Breathing in an endless coma. Reaching for a fleeting image. Open your throat and allow the warmth to break your veins. I'll become the pill. You can digest me. Whatever helps you swallow thruth all the more easily. You magnify my better half; the side of myself that I love and wear. But what of you can I magnify of you if you don't find it within yourself? The reason you still ride was spilled underground a long time ago. You can't run free, can you? No matter how far out you get, I see you pulling yourself back in. Or maybe something terrible forces you to turn back. Can you not be the deciding force and break from this dance? End the movement of mar that so injures the frame. Who became the enemy? Nothing. I know. The notion sits like a razor to me. The outer strain, the inner abrasion... peel your eyes from the soil and see the sky. Stop prodding your brain for an answer and let the porcelain ice over again. He is reflected in you, so why do you not see it? Everything starts somewhere, but this ends here. I can't act. I can't stop. I can't feel. I have no say in it, but He does. It remains between the two of you, I get it. It makes perfect sense. But pray... yeah, I'm going to pray. Change is inevitable. For you. And for all of us.


Maybe I am where I don't belong. Maybe I cross lines that were meant to be fences. And I'm sorry. Truly sorry. Its not my business, not at all. And not my place to be a resolver. To say that I could fill His duty, thats stupid of me. Its just... well, I guess its just that I care about you so much. But brace yourself, the change will be bigger than you or me.


*whew*

Point Number One

Degree of the moment tells us that this what we've waited for. For so long. Is it hot or is it just me? Am I shaking? You are the centrifuge and I will orbit you until we collide. But I understand your words. Your tired eyes speak no lies, but these butterflies remain to stay. This isn't a bad thing. But there is going to be so much more. So much more. The future doesn't scare me at all, and you know nothing is like before. Take my hand and we can change together. We can evolve beyond irrationality. I am going to always lose these contests, but I can't help that. I have only cared about you since the day I met you, afterall. This is just those pieces falling into place. Some isolated jigsaw puzzle that was thought to have been pushed so far aside has arisen with such life. I thought you would come with a price but you, you forgave me. So let it be known that all we are isn't heat. But there will always be a sweat broken. Does that make sense? I'm not going to make you and you aren't going to make me, but we are going to help each other. And I think that is a blessing that we have both found. You are amazing. You need to know how I feel. You need to know how I feel.

Side Effects

While thinking in circles
I'm saying your name
Once, twice...
And then I smile again.
I'm repeating words
to a song that you like.
And if only you knew
how much that isn't like me.

The butterflies have risen
Welling into my chest
Its hard to breathe...
But in a way that fits best.
I can't get your picture
right out of my head.
And if only you knew
how much that isn't like me.

Im looking forward,
and counting down.
For just a moment
on that saferground.
I'm missing every
moment that goes.
And if only you knew
how much that isn't like me.

If only.

Drinking the World

It is not okay that you think he is your savior. As a matter of fact, you will soon die because you think that he is the one who will save you. At some time you have to realize that the only one to save you is the one that expects so much out of you that change is inevitable. Change will be forced upon you. Until that time, nothing will be enough. No matter how you go about filling yourself - it too shall pass and your soul will be left empty. Empty. Stop drinking the world. (Rushton Loring)