Noun and Verb

Some things keep on living,
most things are not as invincible as we thought.
Sleeping in a bed made far beneath the ground,
so that under my covers I could just never be found.

See, I been wrapped up in artificial light, lies,
where nobody can reach me.
And in my own defense, I weigh my words down in eloquence,
growing so obese they can't pass through the threshold of my mind,

not in time.

I recall a red shirt and a red face, and red eyes,
screaming at me as I press the drive
out of this place, out of your life for now.

So you tell your distortions of your memories,
I'll tell my accounts of battles real.
You were stitched together with strings of my ideal forever,
but you are what I should not,
you are what I should not wear.

I recall writing up a floorplan to a lonely house,
with just one light on.
Where a crack in the foundation divided our seperate nations
into what was yours and what was mine.
And by God, I was so proud.
Look what my hands built, look how it shimmers, look how it consumes me.

Why can't fewer things hold true
in the rise and fall?
Where poison in the blood, in the water,
gathers in the ink of the author.
In the rise and fall, we feel the slice and sting of this most pretentious thing
called love. Love, that either makes forever or makes an enemy.
In the rise and fall. I'm in the rise and fall low, love.



...and maybe these things turn out to be invincible after all.

How Long?

It's been ages.
But I'm still learning.
Documenting my thoughts by monuments in my head, rather than pages on the internet.
We've all moved on. We've all scattered to different parts of our worlds.
And we walk and talk the same, dress the same, eat the same foods,
and maybe that is what keeps me uneasy.

To whoever asked my about my blog on Formspring, have at it! This is a good bit of old thought, but thanks for asking me about it nonetheless. If it starts with the word 'draft' that means it was never a truly finished idea. Just some insight.

Faith.

I hold with faith like the shape of a beautiful ring. I will always wear it on the fifth finger on my left hand. Yesterday I recieved it to protect its worth. To protect a promise. It is small and silver, but its meaning is bigger than life. It feels quite strange to have it on; to look at my hand and see it waiting there. She said it was only a transfer for the time being...

"I hold on to you - you lift me up and always will. I see you in lights, hope I don't get left behind. I hold on to you, you bring me hope - I'll see you soon... and if I don't see you, I'm afraid we've lost the way." - American Baby, Dave Matthews Band

Not in vain. An exchange bearing life, not fruitless and dry. My improvement, resulting in your benefit. My improvement, yeilding His Glory. Our journey, following His will. From here to there - no stray marks. Faith, hope, love, and the battles of trust and doubt. No giving up. Fall or fly. Let's do this thing right.

Not in vain.

If the Accident Will

Knee-deep in the distant cousin to the life I once lived; a surreal sort of mossy dream that painted itself in blues and greys across my mind as the summer began to slowly unwind. I am continually walking into my dorm room with a sort of awe and empty goodness. This is home? I drop my bag and pull out the night's reading material and start to mill through it while Matt is dealing with the latest in copyright infringement (poor guy) and only then does it completely hit me that home here is nowhere. Sidewalks are warm and friendly and the sun kisses everybody the same in the sweet breathing breezes of mid-afternoon. Time is slow through the shade, but speeding through a breaking canopy and bursting back into the sky. We are young in body, young in flesh, young at heart, but maturing. This will be the change where no one person remains the same. There is no opting out anymore; choosing the most convenient option that will never prove against the grain. Looking back has aged itself out of staying an option, even though these words may as well have been written by a pillar of salt. Grain by grain, picking myself apart well enough to dissect where I'm headed, I can see two things: the acme and the bottom. The acme and the bottom.

I will forever choose to fall skyward.

Learn to Fly.

draft

Daddy took me to the shed today. I stood up on top and stretched my cardboard wings. "If you believe it then why can't you do it?" Daddy smiles. I jump from the landing and fall through the air. Childhood is a rain of watercolor speeding around me. I land in Daddy's arms. I'm okay. But when Daddy walks away, what of my cardboard wings? What of my makeshift dreams?

Espial

It is somewhat devastating... the things you find that you are the author of. You forget about words that came from your own hands but then you find them and marvel at the feelings you once had.

...I know now that I wrote this as God was beginning to move in me.



"take a leap of faith" - March 16, 2008

Thoughts build up. I mean, think about it. You get the notion, then it swells to occurence. Before you know it, you obsess over it and it governs how you act and feel. Everyone around you becomes infected by it, and you become a carrier of the worst possible disease known to humanity - confusion. Thoughts breed confusion more than you’d think. I think my problem is that my thought process is like a locomotive headed for no tracks, and at a fast pace at that. I don’t know whether I’m characterized by the inability to stop such forseen disaster or the inability to not accept what the future holds. I make a picture in my head and center myself around it... well, thats wrong. Well, in my case right now it isn’t at all. But believe me, it has been before. I feel like I should learn from this madness but I get the notion I never will. Uh-oh, notion. You know what that means... confusion.

I’m at an indecisive point right now. I feel like I’m jumping from a low cliff to a much higher one, on that vastly overlooks any other peak I’ve witnessed in my life... but I don’t know if I can make it. Well, I can’t - on my own that is. I look up and it seems impossible to make the transition, but I have to jump. I have to take a leap of faith. Right now I’m suspended in midair. The surface I’m jumping from sickens me to be honest. Thinking before feeling - wow, that phrase has plastered itself to the inside of my conscience and it just will not lose hold. But its basically the problem that, no matter how hard I’ve tried, won’t seem to clear itself of the air.

Hate. A word that just recently made me think, and as a result has thoroughly confused me. Not knowing made me act a certain way and make certain decisions. Its like you wake up one morning and you need to know where the past few days, weeks, even months went. Who was I? Could I have changed this? Well, no, no hope to change it. But the future is that hot ball of steel that with the right tools you can turn into anything you want. From the complexity of an ornate decoration to overlook a banister, right down to the simplicity of a table you might someday use to fill some dusty space. Question is, what do you take of this ball? What does it mean to you?

I’m pretty sure I know what it means, but thats for me to know and obviously someone to one day find out. So thats the cliff I have cleared - problems. Hate, thoughts before feelings, uncertainty, confusion, the need to ask questions, maybe even adoration. But thats another story entirely. The opposing cliff that I’m jumping to promises a few things. Happiness, faith, and peace-of-mind I guess you could say. I have a vision so naturally I’m going to work around it and hopefully end up a part of it. Clarity lies there. Yeah, and plenty of it. When I make it there I’ll understand whats going on with me, as well as everything around me. Thats future Luke. Modern day Luke asks how am I supposed to get that far? Well I’m glad you talk to yourself and ask that, Luke! People around you are going to help you. Others may hinder you, but you’ve got allies in strange places that you don’t even know about. Thats a message that everyone should wrap their brain around.

But, sadly, I hang in the middle. This is where the fog of a heavy heart and weighted mind takes its greatest toll. The jump was just a catalyst and this midair reaction makes my head spin. Blah. I don’t know where I stand here. Or don't stand. Or whether or not my feet ever even left the ground. Guess thats all part of some incredible puzzle that will become apparent and slowly unfold to me. Meanwhile, I’m happy with just coasting the breeze of my life and seeing where it takes me. Reaching this high acme is going to be a challenge. But with help and time I’ve got a pretty good feeling in my gut. That warm kind of feeling that makes it worth your while to be... in the moment.

Simplicity, what an amazing word. Virtue, understanding, everything that could possibly be craved derives from simplicity. Simplicity will drive me towards the edge I’m hoping for; I WILL find it sooner than later. I’ve got some pretty incredible people around me to get me there, whether they know it or not...


Incredible.

All Around Me Are Familiar Faces, Worn Out Places, Worn Out Faces.

Monday was the last one... and now it is already over.

I swear I slept through high school, blinking and missing beats off and on and eventually keeping my eyes closed for such a fraction of the time that the memory is but a faded blur left to sit on an aging canvas in... what, the past? The past. Yesterday is gone. This is the end of simplicity as we know it. Suddenly, the coattail is dragged away and instead of a ride we must stand and walk into a future alive with excitement, love, loss, friendship, and conflict. It's a bigger future than you would think, it's bigger than you or me. All we can do for the time being is get our backs straight so we can proudly march across that stage and recieve with the left, shake with the right, blah, blah, blah, but then... take a seat. I suppose that hitting the seat will be a head-on collision with the real world; the real but so very mad world. And we all smile, and we all go home, filled with thoughts of progression and finally being able to say goodbye to that building... and to every single relationship formed over the past years of public schooling, save the few that will endure the test of time. But after all the bells have sounded and the cheers have died down, all you have left as a souvenier of yesterday is a sheet of paper, namely your high school diploma. The paper proving that the world is here... er, was here... is still here but is revolving just as quickly as it was before. The rotations will stop for no one. Frightening, but also promising. Promising above all else.

"Take heart, for I have overcome the world." [John 16:33]

If there is one thing to cling to and take shelter with, then it is the Word of God. Hallelujah.

But now we're off and running - here we go! Take a good look around, take a good look around...

I'm finished with high school [I'm laughing to myself]... this is something else. Something else entirely.

I recorded the last bell, too. The last bell I will ever hear. I say this probably out of sentimental values, but it was easily the longest bell I have ever heard. It seemed to go on just long enough for me to say, "I'll miss that note." It was a B, but I only know that because Rushton told me junior year. So many memories in those hallways... in the past four years I have been so many different people in those hallways. [not a typo]

Keep a foot in the past, but look to the past and the boy is gone. Gone and now knee deep in the promises of what is next. I'll fight the break of dawn come tomorrow, but tomorrow I'll be gone. Yeah, gone again. Take a good look around, because things will only get better from here. The past twelve years now part ways,

farewell.